What is Masculinity?

What kind of man will I be?

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Everybody in society today seems to want to dictate to men how to be masculine, or what each man’s definition for masculinity should be. As if we are all the same, should act the same, and all have the same goals in mind. Obviously, that makes no sense. Why do men need masculinity? Masculinity is the engine to transport each man to his personal life goals, but it will be individually different in behavior for each man depending on his values and desires. No celebrity or media elite knows us as individual men, so how can they know the kind of men we want to be?

They can’t.

They don’t know your family upbringing. Or your childhood experiences that formed your opinions about what YOU want to be. They certainly don’t know what values you hold to be true, or what you strive for in life, do they? Men aren’t all the same, nor should they be. So, why do our gynocentric society want a static template cutout for men? Why is masculinity so important to society and is such a much talked about topic today? Perhaps because controlling and undermining the definition of men’s masculinity is a way of making men more pliant, less resistive to extreme ideologies and government mandates? Honestly, I don’t have ALL the answers, but I wonder about it, don’t you?

Just like I wonder why men are discouraged from forming groups and communicating with each other our life experiences and even banned from having male spaces for camaraderie. I wonder why that is?

I am not here to tell you what to be as a man. I will not tell you how to express your masculinity. I’m sure you get enough of that from the media, from Hollywood, from pretty much every cultural talking head in modern society today.

I believe as a man that you are the sculptor of your own character. You need to choose what ideals to mix into the mortar of raw experience and primal instincts that make up your masculinity. But can I share my thoughts on masculinity? What I reach for and hope to achieve as a man? And, perhaps the discussion will help you decide possibly the biggest question of your life.

What is a man?–or more importantly, what kind of man will you be?

Let me stipulate that masculinity is a pattern of behavior composed of two forces. These two forces form a man’s character and power the great engine of male decision making throughout his entire life. The first force is primal instinct, a reservoir of liquid fire that propels men to overcome challenges and endure hardship. This raw energy is powerful but wild, so it must be harnessed into productive channels, or like wildfire it consumes indiscriminately.

The second force is the set of values we choose to absorb into our inner selves based on our chosen role models, our perception of the world, and our personal life goals. These values become ingrained into our character as a guiding force for our primal energy. With discipline, our chosen values men sculpt themselves into the masculine figures they desire to be.

Hence, the elusive and complex pattern of behavior we call masculinity is formed. A potent vibrant entity that follows a unique path of evolution for each male. Here are the core values I chose to integrate into my own masculinity, and I still work on to this day.

Self Determination

When men are young, they gradually absorb lessons from role modeling starting with the father’s teachings “work hard and be strong” to the teachers at school saying, “Be a big boy, don’t cry.” At each point in development, every boy struggles to master the primitive urges of physicality and aggression that men are granted from birth.

If a boy feels threatened, he wants to react by striking out. When bored and sitting in a schoolhouse learning stale facts, the boy wants to run and roughhouse outside. Knowing this is unacceptable, the boy has to learn self-control. So the boy needs the father figure to guide him in mastering his primitive urges constructively towards achieving his manly tasks and roles in the family.

The concept of self-determination is born.

The idea that a man chooses how he acts and reacts, by choosing his target values. He isn’t a slave to the beast inside him. With time and effort, a young man sculpts the firming clay of his being. And as men are what they do, his values will be inextricably linked to how he will behave and what he will achieve for the rest of his life. Or to put it another way, if a fully grown man were made of blood and stone, it would be the strong arm of his will that chisels and sculpts himself into the manly figure he wishes to become.  

I am a big believer in the concept of self-determination in forming a man’s masculinity, and I reject that a man must follow his primitive urges helplessly. Nor do I believe anyone should try to make men slaves to society’s whims as to what masculine pattern men should follow. Each man decides what roles in life he wants to achieve be it a creator, a soldier, a peacemaker, a husband or father. He decides what routine behaviors stemming from his core identity and values will get him there successfully.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Masculinity much like the fire: it protects, it provides, and it leads you out of the darkness.

Strength and Health

Physical strength and robust Health are easy to achieve usually as a young man, when the body is filled with surging testosterone. With the demands of work, a husband, and a father’s it certainly requires more discipline to remain robustly fit. I never planned to be a soldier or MMA prize fighter, yet without some strength and martial ability, I couldn’t protect myself or my loved ones. And without health there would be little happiness or the capability to provide for my family. With good health all other good things spring.

“He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything.” – Arabian Proverb.

Willingness to Fight

Although it isn’t civilized, a man must be willing to fight to protect himself, his loved ones, and his core beliefs. The world will always spawn evil men and women that desire to take resources and harm our loved ones. A battle between parents and schools exists today, where administrators and teachers in schools are willfully pushing radical agendas and adult sexual material much earlier than our kids have the maturity to handle it.  Parent must use whatever tools we have at our disposal to protect our children. Don’t you agree?

“I am unnervingly polite, but I’m also capably violent.”—Henry Rollins

Fortitude

As most things in life are joined at the hip with pain, discomfort, and drudgery, fortitude must be the bailiwick of every man. I have met many guys that are fun to hang around with but disappear when there is work to be done or a crisis managed. These often-charming men are becoming more prevalent in society. They make inconstant friends and easy relationships with women, but hard breakups. Not the type of friend or husband I chose to be. If nothing else, I believe a man should be able to endure strife.

“A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” – David Brinkley

Constancy of Beliefs

A man can change his views as he sees fit. And over time his views may evolve as new data is carefully considered. However, men that change their core beliefs like a weathervane in a slight breeze are not to be trusted. Like most men I tend to choose friends that hold to consistent beliefs and clearly state their views–even if it clashes with my own.

Yet, our world today seems filled with timid men that cave to the slightest social media backlash to their actions. In fact, they will then figuratively and literally get on their knees with false contrition. They wave the virtue-signaling flag like they hope to fly, but not understand even what they did wrong, if they even did anything wrong at all. This hyper flexibility is repugnant, a betrayal of the essence of masculinity. Men that simper for social approval will betray their allies for nothing more than social tolerance. A man of pliant beliefs makes the worst friend, and an awful husband or father.

“Stand firm and immovable as an anvil when it is beaten upon” – Ignatius of Loyola

Honesty

Honesty is required for making positive connections in society at work and home, between friends and lovers. If a man or woman does not keep their word, a form of quasi-social record of dishonesty is kept by his communities. A dishonest man will have acquaintances but no real friends. And dishonest practices are the death knell for any business endeavor.

Would you buy a car, house, or appliance from a liar?

So, anyone who plans to live in society and have fruitful relationships with his fellow man, must endeavor to be honest at all costs. Admittedly always being candid and frank is challenging as people seldom like to hear the truth about themselves, and their views. And although women will say they want a man to be truthful, we all know that has some major caveats.

Women’s self-image is a fragile thing, bruised by the gentlest of truthful words even if made with pure intent. I remember once a female peer at work asked my opinion if she should look for another job after a brutal employer job review rating of 1/10. I knew our heartless witch of a boss would never change her views on such a poor employee job performance review no matter how much improvement was made, so I gave very direct advice that she should start looking for another job.

Oh, the tears that flowed. Especially since every other female in the office had told her with a hug, “You’ll be fine!” I felt bad, but I wasn’t going to lie about it. And two months later she was fired. And none of the other women in the office shed a tear of condolence for her.

Men should be aware that always being an over sharer when it’s unnecessary can be disadvantageous in terms of sex appeal to women. Females like sexual conquest of a sort that is more social in nature, preferring to gradually unveil the mystery of a man. Yes, this is rather silly, but it is a common female motivator so best keep it in mind as a young man. Also, women are renowned for using men’s shared vulnerabilities against them in arguments like artfully poisoned daggers meant for a quick thrust to the chest so…

“Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde

Kindness

You often hear the saying ‘nice guys finish last’. No one wants to be called nice anymore, unless sarcastically, because it is such a vague and lazy term lacking any real enthusiasm.

Being ‘nice’ means bowing to the whims of others over your own self-interest, not because you believe it to be the right thing to do, but rather because one feels he is supposed to. In essence, a nice man puts himself last because he doesn’t believe his needs deserve to be first. Imagine an animal that wouldn’t fight to defend itself or compete to feed–a soon to be dead animal generally.

In contrast, a kind man has no compunction against satisfying his needs, as he recognizes the laws of nature. The more able the man is in achieving his goals by being the smartest, the strongest, or the fastest, the more deserving he is in achieving the rewards, be it money, fame, or possessions.

A kind man is at peace with that reality and can’t be guilted into doing things. He voluntarily decides to help others less fortunate than himself due to a heroic spirit, yet a kind man is not a foolish man, he realizes each dollar or minute spent on someone else is a dollar his family may not have when it’s time for him to shuffle off this mortal coil. He doesn’t help the selfish that would never choose to help him back.

“How do we change the world? One random act of kindness at a time.” — Morgan Freeman.

Empathy

I didn’t fully understand the value of empathy until I was in my 30s, perhaps not until I had a child.  It isn’t in most men’s wheelhouse at first. In fact, as a young man my motto was no feelings, is just the right feeling. And if I would have planned to remain single and become a soldier, I probably wouldn’t have expended the energy to become empathetic.

But upon marriage and the birth of my daughter, my world expanded in wonder, and I grew to understand that there was more to my role as a husband and father than just protecting my family physically. I had to protect them emotionally as well, as women are fragile, and the world is decidedly harsh. I know this well as I have received quite a few stompings in my life thus far. I knew I needed to be able to read and anticipate emotions in order to protect them. Much like a general must be able to read the battlefield to predict threats and read people to determine who are the spies.

How does a man become aware of small changes in tone, facial expression, body language and interpret their meaning, even if nothing physical happens?—which I’d previously never cared about?

It wasn’t easy, or it wasn’t for me anyway! Leveling up my empathy skills took a lot of effort, paying attention, and learning from feedback, as in female live-fire experience where tears are bullets to a well-intentioned husband. And I got better—some anyway—and now benefit from just a little more perspective, maybe a skosh more wisdom perhaps?

Masculinity is deciding who you are, what you want, and how to get it, without any apologies…

Conclusion:

These behavioral pillars of self-determination, strength and health, willingness to fight, fortitude, constancy of beliefs, honesty, kindness, empathy are the goalposts in my life, because these are masculine values that will prevail against all types of adversity. Masculine values that will promote male success as a single warrior, a husband, or a father. I hope talking about what my masculinity will lead you to consciously ask the question: “what is being a man to me?” And from your answer you can burn a lifepath to a full and satisfying life you can be proud of.

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• Do you feel like your masculinity is running low, and life doesn’t seem so joyful anymore? Check out our article on ways to regain your joy here.

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